God Is Mighty.

Im finaly realizing this! the feeling that "i need to be here, i want to be here, but i cant make myself go there" is fading! im actuly growing in my faith, in my relationship with Christ. FINALY! its becoming a constant mindset, keeping him first and focusing on Him. im a far cry from where i should be, but im so far from where i was just weeks ago - God is using EBC, Malone - Brooke - Brittany and Alise to show me himself, using the internship at church, using my friends.

last week, we didnt get on spiritual topics. hardly ever, and now? since talking with Malone and the girls? i bring it up in conversations! and it fits so well. it feels like all this time has been wasted, when its SO easy to get focused on Christ.

(haha! its shocking how much worship music is on bittorrent.... pirates love God too!)

so God, thank you. thank you for answering my prayers, for showing me you, for getting me back on track, for bringing about the change that i needed! and wanted deep inside. thank you for Tyler and Malone, sharing themselves lastnight/thismorning and being a final push onto course, thank you for taking the time to "waste" being not close to you, and using it to show me what i was missing. God keep me focused on you, im doing great tonight! i even read my bible for the first itme in months, but let this be more than a good week. let this be a new lifestyle! a perminent change father, thank you for taking me through this spiritual valley, and bringing me back out stronger than ever.

mom just called. and wants me to walk over accross the street, so i can walk back with her. and its really annoying me. why? because she called me, and said "hey! i have a favor to ask you...." and then started talking to someone else for a minute, and laughing. and here i am - pissed she interupted my "God Time" hahahha. how weak i am. using this time to focus on God, and reflect, and to let him change me. and then whenever an oportunity to serve pops up, i get angry because its interfering with letting God teach me.
forgive me Father, i am so selfish. so closed minded to what my goals actuly are. God give me a broad perspective of what you want, of what is important.

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Now playing: Chris Tomlin - God Of This City

How could it be any other way?

this song is so perfect!
at first he misses her, and wonders why things went bad




then he realizes that things didnt go bad, they went the right way, and all is good :)

As I walk on down
I feel like a clown
In a circus of my own
Oh my cover is blown
Feel like I got a heart made of tin
I thought of you this morning

Well I sleep into a state
As I awake
Well I start to find
That I can't get your smoke out of my eyes
I guess I lose
I guess you win
I thought of you this morning

Well I think about all the other ways I could've played
All the other simple moves I could've made
All the other cards that I could've dealt
All the books I didn't read upon my shelf
All the other ways I could've sung my songs
I've realized that none of it wen't wrong
It was all play
How could it be any other way?

Now that the chains are off
I'm free to roam
Everywhere I go
I feel like I'm home
Nothing hides
Everything is shown
She is always with me
I'm never alone
I guess you lose
I guess I win
I thought of you this morning

How could it be any other way?
How could it be any other way?
How could it be any other way?
It was all play
How could it be any other way?

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Listening to: Trevor Hall - Other Ways

Back Burner

ohh Taylor. your so confused lately. just when you think you have something figured out, something else comes up. your not going to fulleron this summer, but now other things are driving you mad, other topics confuse you. as soon as your over one, another comes and takes its place. as soon as your ok being single, talking with your neibor, and her obvious intrest floods you with feelings you thought where gone. you LOVE being back at church, working with people, helping out, ministering. but then you realize that your striggling. hard.

my sollace is here, sitting on my patio, with an apple flavored cigar, oversized headphones up all the way, typing out my feelings and thoughts.

this is my vacation.

sometimes i want to just be a different person, i get tired of living with myself, tired of my expressions, my phrases, my way of thinking. my bents, my quirks, my skills and my weaknesses. like a bad roomate, or that feeling when you spend to long with your best friend - you will always love them! but right now you just need to get away.

relient k comes to mind - you know ill always love you, but right now i just dont like you.

what am i doing? God can you change me? nothing spcific, just change me. mix it up, throw in some veriety! im getting bored of myself. maybe this just means im far to self centered that im focusing to much on me. when in reality its not about me, i should be the last person im concerned with! but as usual, thats not the case. as usual im first in my own life. not God, not others. its me again.

Taylor stop! put yourself where you belong. the back burner.

remember your meaning, your purpose, your objective. if something is not furthering the ultimate goal, if something is for selfish gain

you shouldn't be doing it.

God hold me accountable
let me be in the world, but not of this world


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Now playing: Moby - In This World

Blurry

everything around me is growing increasingly unclear.

promises made arent made anymore, dogmas in my life are no longer dogmas. people arent dependable, people are unpredictabler than usual. whats going on? whats changing.

• where do you lean when your castles turn to sand?
• what supports you when nothing does?
• who can i depend on when the most dependable people in my life ignore me?

when God seems distant, when feelings arent mutual, when best friends arent so best friendish.
what do i do?

pray? lean on the One who i KNOW can support me, who i know will listen, who i know will not ignore me?

the simple answer is yes. the not simple answer is how

I couldn't sleep last night
My ears were ringing in my head
Best friends with the boogey man
I may be better off here dead
I'm running on empty once again
Too tired for tears I dread
Sink deep into those magic dreams
While I blast off in my bed

Three hours later and I'm staring at the ceiling still
Xanax does nothing more than calm the sleeping thrill
Turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head
Ah, bless my only friend

And you know I've played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know 'cause everyone says that I'm not the same
And everyone turns tricks for fickle fame

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I’ll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Everyone is changing
There’s noone left that’s real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway

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Listening to: Kings Of Convenience - Homesick

Losing all hope is freedom.

We where much more than dating. we where completely and utterly in love. not that highschool love, that everyone claims, but no. for real. in love. i honestly could marry this girl, and i planned on it. and so did she. we had the most amazing conversations! about God, philosophy, life, love, family, people, everything! she was truly my best friend who i could tell anything. and i was hers.

we always struggled with keeping God first in our relationship, something everyone deals with. and then she felt God telling her that He needed to be first, not me. and i certainly was first in her life. i on the other hand didnt feel the same way, i felt i was balancing God, and her fine! we took a break, just no phone, no myspace, no eachother - so we could focus on God. at the end of a very long, very hard week, i knew something was up. and that night, she ended our relationship. she broke my heart. completly and utterly. i was a mess for a week, i just got in my car, got on some random freeway and would drive. i would go to the beach and just look at the ocean, where we used to walk and just cry. i was mad! not at her, not at God. but just mad.
her feelings didnt change, and neither did mine. but she knew that in order to keep God first we couldnt be together, and we arent. but we still are.. in love, in a way. nothing changed there, i dont want anyone else, nor does she. i refused to move on for a long time, i looked at her pictures, knowing that somehow, if we where good and proved ourselves to God He would put us back together. but i have had to move on, had to sever the ties.
it was the hardest thing i have ever done.

losing all hope is freedom.

and now? im single. she is single. i dont want anyone else, and i dont think she does.
but God knows best in everything, and if anything, this has made me so much closer to Him. made me realize that its not about me, not about my pleasure on this earth. its about Him, and His glory. and perhaps this time was for Him to show me that i can rely in HIM, and in my hardest times, to always see hope. see that He is there. i have moved on, but i still know i will never have what we had. but its time to move on. its time to continue.
there are often times that hurt so bad, there are times when i cant believe what i had. but there are always times when i remember the memories, and know that they where a gift from God, and being selfish enough to want more? its just selfish.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration

Our War

its long, read it slowly and think about every line.

We as humans are made for conflict resolution, we need a mission, a task. and we don't have one. are we being utilized? a big part of me wants to grab everything that's wrong in our culture, and kick it in the face. i want to start a revolution, become the rebel throwing molotov cocktails at police! but if you think about it, our society is so well defined, its so laid out for us, there is no adventure left, no discovery. did you want to work at Best Buy? did you want to be a banker? a lawyer? when you where a kid. i didn't, i wanted to find a new continent, discover a new people group! Magellan, Einstein, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Columbus - those where my heroes, not Bill Gates, not Brad Pitt. i didn't want to be rich, be famous. i wanted to invent, discover, think, and build. i venture to say many of you are the same way, when you where 5 did you dream of going to high school, dating the quarterback, getting a good grade on your SAT so you could get into Stanford and become the popularsorority ruler, graduate, and marry a beautiful man? NO! and if you did when you where a kid you may need to reevaluate your existence... i dreamed of being a firefighter, nurse, policeman, someone who can help people or change the world! but so many kids these days, that's not what they want, and most other people have changed what they want, they want what other people have. they want the structure, the predefined lifestyle of "school - work - retirement." and somewhere fit in love, family, and God.
do we do anything original? no. we wake up stressing over the exact same stuff as everyone else does. we do the exact same thing all day as everyone else. we sit in traffic - just like everyone else. we see flashing lights in our mirror and panic just like everyone else. we hear gunfire down the street and lock our doors just like everyone else. we keep our music at a reasonable volume just like everyone else, we go to the mall just like everyone else, we take standardized tests just like everyone else, we change ourselves to be just like everyone else. self expression for our generation is wearing different colored socks, or getting tattoos. self expression is changing the world! self expression is painting your house and your car and your dog with hot pink paint. who gave us all these boundary's? all these lines? why is different wrong? being the same is wrong! conforming is wrong! are we that insecure? are we that desperate for meaning that we find it from people just like us? people who are looking for it just like us? we are a star-craving, sick, sad little world. (to quote Incubus) we are blind to the force overtaking us, blind to the blatant attack. national security is in the hands of the trendsetters. we are oblivious to the attack on our generation, and it is way more deadly than any attack that we could see.

a while ago, before this school year started my cousin posted a bulletin on Myspace. it was a warning for all freshman, not to talk to juniors or seniors, and to remember that they where the bottom of the shit-heap. i was disgusted. how can people be so incredibly selfish and rude? treating people horrible because they aren't as old as you? high school is leading the attack against us as a people. and it wont ever stop because when that freshman gets to Sr high, he will do the exact same thing that was done to him. and it will continue.

there is so much more to life than you.

by the time your done with education, you have been shaped, molded, standardized, compared, compartmentalized, divided, assigned, graded into the same autonomous blob as everyone else sorry enough to be subjected to the same treatment, and guess what? you function perfectly to your programming. you work your 9-5, you don't question the pointless laws you follow and defend. you have become a star citizen. you now put down the people that still have the dreams you once did. you make fun of people who broke out of the system, who are even the smallest shred different.
ill be damned if that ever becomes me.
the Matrix is more real than you may think.
wake up Neo




Fight Club:
an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.


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Listening to: Rage Against The Machine - Down Rodeo

Privilege

How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech. - Soren Kierkegaard

Soren Kierkegaard said that in the early 1800's, when freedom of speach didnt exist yet :) but what a quote... what a mindset. as people, we are never satisfied, never fulfilled, never happy. things like SuperSize, premium gas, energy drinks, supermodels, carpool lanes, Martha Stewert. we somehow seem to forget that we can function on so much less than we do, we can go a week without sleep easy, but if we miss our latte enema every morning we cant function right. there is nothing wrong with living our normals lives, with driving in the carpool lane, with drinking redbull, with getting the venti. but we need to remember that it isnt a right to have it so easy, its a privilege.




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Listening to: Something Corporate - Ruthless

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Listening to: Something Corporate - Drunk Girl