Back Burner

ohh Taylor. your so confused lately. just when you think you have something figured out, something else comes up. your not going to fulleron this summer, but now other things are driving you mad, other topics confuse you. as soon as your over one, another comes and takes its place. as soon as your ok being single, talking with your neibor, and her obvious intrest floods you with feelings you thought where gone. you LOVE being back at church, working with people, helping out, ministering. but then you realize that your striggling. hard.

my sollace is here, sitting on my patio, with an apple flavored cigar, oversized headphones up all the way, typing out my feelings and thoughts.

this is my vacation.

sometimes i want to just be a different person, i get tired of living with myself, tired of my expressions, my phrases, my way of thinking. my bents, my quirks, my skills and my weaknesses. like a bad roomate, or that feeling when you spend to long with your best friend - you will always love them! but right now you just need to get away.

relient k comes to mind - you know ill always love you, but right now i just dont like you.

what am i doing? God can you change me? nothing spcific, just change me. mix it up, throw in some veriety! im getting bored of myself. maybe this just means im far to self centered that im focusing to much on me. when in reality its not about me, i should be the last person im concerned with! but as usual, thats not the case. as usual im first in my own life. not God, not others. its me again.

Taylor stop! put yourself where you belong. the back burner.

remember your meaning, your purpose, your objective. if something is not furthering the ultimate goal, if something is for selfish gain

you shouldn't be doing it.

God hold me accountable
let me be in the world, but not of this world


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Now playing: Moby - In This World

Blurry

everything around me is growing increasingly unclear.

promises made arent made anymore, dogmas in my life are no longer dogmas. people arent dependable, people are unpredictabler than usual. whats going on? whats changing.

• where do you lean when your castles turn to sand?
• what supports you when nothing does?
• who can i depend on when the most dependable people in my life ignore me?

when God seems distant, when feelings arent mutual, when best friends arent so best friendish.
what do i do?

pray? lean on the One who i KNOW can support me, who i know will listen, who i know will not ignore me?

the simple answer is yes. the not simple answer is how

I couldn't sleep last night
My ears were ringing in my head
Best friends with the boogey man
I may be better off here dead
I'm running on empty once again
Too tired for tears I dread
Sink deep into those magic dreams
While I blast off in my bed

Three hours later and I'm staring at the ceiling still
Xanax does nothing more than calm the sleeping thrill
Turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head
Ah, bless my only friend

And you know I've played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know 'cause everyone says that I'm not the same
And everyone turns tricks for fickle fame

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I’ll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Everyone is changing
There’s noone left that’s real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway

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Listening to: Kings Of Convenience - Homesick

Losing all hope is freedom.

We where much more than dating. we where completely and utterly in love. not that highschool love, that everyone claims, but no. for real. in love. i honestly could marry this girl, and i planned on it. and so did she. we had the most amazing conversations! about God, philosophy, life, love, family, people, everything! she was truly my best friend who i could tell anything. and i was hers.

we always struggled with keeping God first in our relationship, something everyone deals with. and then she felt God telling her that He needed to be first, not me. and i certainly was first in her life. i on the other hand didnt feel the same way, i felt i was balancing God, and her fine! we took a break, just no phone, no myspace, no eachother - so we could focus on God. at the end of a very long, very hard week, i knew something was up. and that night, she ended our relationship. she broke my heart. completly and utterly. i was a mess for a week, i just got in my car, got on some random freeway and would drive. i would go to the beach and just look at the ocean, where we used to walk and just cry. i was mad! not at her, not at God. but just mad.
her feelings didnt change, and neither did mine. but she knew that in order to keep God first we couldnt be together, and we arent. but we still are.. in love, in a way. nothing changed there, i dont want anyone else, nor does she. i refused to move on for a long time, i looked at her pictures, knowing that somehow, if we where good and proved ourselves to God He would put us back together. but i have had to move on, had to sever the ties.
it was the hardest thing i have ever done.

losing all hope is freedom.

and now? im single. she is single. i dont want anyone else, and i dont think she does.
but God knows best in everything, and if anything, this has made me so much closer to Him. made me realize that its not about me, not about my pleasure on this earth. its about Him, and His glory. and perhaps this time was for Him to show me that i can rely in HIM, and in my hardest times, to always see hope. see that He is there. i have moved on, but i still know i will never have what we had. but its time to move on. its time to continue.
there are often times that hurt so bad, there are times when i cant believe what i had. but there are always times when i remember the memories, and know that they where a gift from God, and being selfish enough to want more? its just selfish.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration

Our War

its long, read it slowly and think about every line.

We as humans are made for conflict resolution, we need a mission, a task. and we don't have one. are we being utilized? a big part of me wants to grab everything that's wrong in our culture, and kick it in the face. i want to start a revolution, become the rebel throwing molotov cocktails at police! but if you think about it, our society is so well defined, its so laid out for us, there is no adventure left, no discovery. did you want to work at Best Buy? did you want to be a banker? a lawyer? when you where a kid. i didn't, i wanted to find a new continent, discover a new people group! Magellan, Einstein, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Columbus - those where my heroes, not Bill Gates, not Brad Pitt. i didn't want to be rich, be famous. i wanted to invent, discover, think, and build. i venture to say many of you are the same way, when you where 5 did you dream of going to high school, dating the quarterback, getting a good grade on your SAT so you could get into Stanford and become the popularsorority ruler, graduate, and marry a beautiful man? NO! and if you did when you where a kid you may need to reevaluate your existence... i dreamed of being a firefighter, nurse, policeman, someone who can help people or change the world! but so many kids these days, that's not what they want, and most other people have changed what they want, they want what other people have. they want the structure, the predefined lifestyle of "school - work - retirement." and somewhere fit in love, family, and God.
do we do anything original? no. we wake up stressing over the exact same stuff as everyone else does. we do the exact same thing all day as everyone else. we sit in traffic - just like everyone else. we see flashing lights in our mirror and panic just like everyone else. we hear gunfire down the street and lock our doors just like everyone else. we keep our music at a reasonable volume just like everyone else, we go to the mall just like everyone else, we take standardized tests just like everyone else, we change ourselves to be just like everyone else. self expression for our generation is wearing different colored socks, or getting tattoos. self expression is changing the world! self expression is painting your house and your car and your dog with hot pink paint. who gave us all these boundary's? all these lines? why is different wrong? being the same is wrong! conforming is wrong! are we that insecure? are we that desperate for meaning that we find it from people just like us? people who are looking for it just like us? we are a star-craving, sick, sad little world. (to quote Incubus) we are blind to the force overtaking us, blind to the blatant attack. national security is in the hands of the trendsetters. we are oblivious to the attack on our generation, and it is way more deadly than any attack that we could see.

a while ago, before this school year started my cousin posted a bulletin on Myspace. it was a warning for all freshman, not to talk to juniors or seniors, and to remember that they where the bottom of the shit-heap. i was disgusted. how can people be so incredibly selfish and rude? treating people horrible because they aren't as old as you? high school is leading the attack against us as a people. and it wont ever stop because when that freshman gets to Sr high, he will do the exact same thing that was done to him. and it will continue.

there is so much more to life than you.

by the time your done with education, you have been shaped, molded, standardized, compared, compartmentalized, divided, assigned, graded into the same autonomous blob as everyone else sorry enough to be subjected to the same treatment, and guess what? you function perfectly to your programming. you work your 9-5, you don't question the pointless laws you follow and defend. you have become a star citizen. you now put down the people that still have the dreams you once did. you make fun of people who broke out of the system, who are even the smallest shred different.
ill be damned if that ever becomes me.
the Matrix is more real than you may think.
wake up Neo




Fight Club:
an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.


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Listening to: Rage Against The Machine - Down Rodeo

Privilege

How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech. - Soren Kierkegaard

Soren Kierkegaard said that in the early 1800's, when freedom of speach didnt exist yet :) but what a quote... what a mindset. as people, we are never satisfied, never fulfilled, never happy. things like SuperSize, premium gas, energy drinks, supermodels, carpool lanes, Martha Stewert. we somehow seem to forget that we can function on so much less than we do, we can go a week without sleep easy, but if we miss our latte enema every morning we cant function right. there is nothing wrong with living our normals lives, with driving in the carpool lane, with drinking redbull, with getting the venti. but we need to remember that it isnt a right to have it so easy, its a privilege.




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Listening to: Something Corporate - Ruthless

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Listening to: Something Corporate - Drunk Girl

Pleasures Are Meaningless.

I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.

I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem [a] as well—the delights of the heart of man. I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Wisdom and Folly Are Meaningless
Then I turned my thoughts to consider wisdom,
and also madness and folly.
What more can the king's successor do
than what has already been done?

I saw that wisdom is better than folly,
just as light is better than darkness.

The wise man has eyes in his head,
while the fool walks in the darkness;
but I came to realize
that the same fate overtakes them both.

Then I thought in my heart,
"The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain by being wise?"
I said in my heart,
"This too is meaningless."

For the wise man, like the fool, will not be long remembered;
in days to come both will be forgotten.
Like the fool, the wise man too must die!
Toil Is Meaningless
So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless.

A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes 2.
most amazing chapter in the bible.

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Listening to: Red - Already Over

Patience. Diligence.

im so tired of it all. im especially tired of being half bad-ass. (i decided thats what im being.) my greatest influences are people i dont want to be like. the traits i hate the most are visible in the people who im with the most. and are therefore starting to show up in MY life.
what am i thinking?
im tired of being irresponsible. being a kid is great. but honestly?, im not one anymore.
im tired of being selfish. there are so many people i love, and currently im number one.
im tired of caring. about what people that i dont care about - think about me.

some very large part about me wants to be the guy in the picture, from the movie Knocked Up. someone who lives with some guys, has no money but doesnt care, watches movies all day, does... nothing really. just lives, and doesnt care about other things, he doesnt have a purpose.
it sounds amazing.
but, by the end of this movie he is thrust into the hardest, most commited situation ever. where he has to provide for a family, that he didnt even want. but he does. he quits smoking pot, he stops hanging out with his friends. he actuly gets a job, and does an awesome job!
i guess in this sense i respect his character. the transformation between nothing, and being a responsible man.

im fed up with the stuff i do. im done being a half badass, half man, half kid, mixture. but its so impossibly hard to just change, i want a catalyst. but thats not the right way.
i refuse to be like my 20 year old friends though. i will not be working a dead-end job (or no job), living at home, no real responsibilities. as much as i dont, i want to skip over what they are all doing. and i want to go right to being the MAN that God made me. but maybe just maybe, the man that God made me, is actually a irresponsible kid. for now. and its part motivation, part acceptance, and part patience.


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Listening to: Haste The Day - Servant ties