Purpose

For the last few weeks, even months. I have been trying to figure out my life. where am I going? what am i doing? I am 100% down for anything that God wants me to do, but what do i do when he isnt saying much, when i cant figure out what direction he wants me to go.

So i sat with david seehusen, and discussed these things. We started talking about gifts, and where im gifted. I had been thinking tech, media. thats what i have always done as my ministry, im gifted there and my churches have always needed someone to do those things - so it fit. But something david said really hit me, he said "Taylor, when i think of your gifts i dont think of tech as one of them." he said that my biggest gifts are these things that have nothing to do with clicking a button, with uploading sermons to a website. that my God given gifts all have to do with people, making them feel welcome, relating with them, communicating things to them. and he is right.
why have i always thought that for me ministry = tech, when i know that im gifted much better in other areas!

I have been thinking that i want to go to rock harbor church after my internship, and get involved there (of course - doing media) but i would be so much better suited somewhere else, where i can lead, where i can explain, where i can relate to people.

I just took a spiritual gift test thing online, and this is what it says...

As a gifted shepherd, you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by overseeing, training, and caring for the needs of a group of Christians. You are usually very patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others. You tend to be a "Jack of All and Master of ONE," meaning you are usually dominant in one of the speaking gifts (evangelist, prophet, teacher, exhorter) as well. You are often authoritative, more a leader than a follower, and expressive, composed, and sensitive. Your pleasing personality draws people to you.


God show what to do with my gifts! Where to best serve you with my life.

Hunger

I find fulfilment in life in 2 things right now.

1. Being in a relationship, having someone to pursue, think about, do things for...
2. Traveling, being out on my own exploring. (even around LA, just moving)

I know this is wrong... i need to find my fulfillment in God not in my passions. i need to make my passion God! then find fulfillment in that. but how? how do i stop finding my joy, my... i used it alot, but the best word really is fulfillment - in fleshly things, and find it all in Christ alone?

i lay in bed and think of travel. i plan my trips, i think through places. at work i think about the woman God has for me, how it will feel to have someone to share everything with. THESE things are where i feel happy, mature, where i feel like i can satisfy myself.

a friend gave me an amazing piece of wisdom just now

we dont allow ourselves to eat the main course because we are snacking all day

i desire God, but i dont let myself truly desire Him because im filling myself with other things... im snacking on chips, then im bummed when the steak arrives. and im not hungry for it.

i need to fast from the chips, stop being absorbed with travel, with my passions, and let myself truly hunger. let myself get desperate and find my fulfillment in Christ alone.

Sins Control

We are taught not to let sin control us, not to let sin run our lives. What does that mean? up until 3 minutes ago, i believed that to mean we shouldnt be adicted to sin, not to let lust run our thoughts, not to let greed determine what we do for work, not to let selfishness outweigh Gods plan. thats what i was tought, and thats what i believed. Crying out to God, i tell him that i dont want sin to run my life, im distrought when i sin, im torn up inside. I feel like im distanced from God. Somebody somewhere in my life told me that "when you sin, the only thing God will hear from you is a prayer to ask his forgiveness..." that statement tainted my perspective on God for along time. You cant piss off God. his love is uncondititional, human love says that if you wrong me, you need to make it up to me before we can be close again, Gods love isnt like that though. When we wrong God he is crying for us to come back to Him, he is preparing for our return, he misses us like in the story Jesus told about the prodigal son.

I dont want sin to control my life, so when i do sin, i get really hard on myself. to try and stop myself from doing it again, to try and guilt myself out of it. maybe even to make sure God knows how sorry i am. but by doing that, im letting sin control my thoughts and emotions.

When we forget Gods forgiveness, his grace, his mercy, his unconditional love, and allow ourselves to focus on our sin, we are giving it more control.

Now there are times to be broken, and times to be really really torn up about our sin. But when we take that to far, and dont let ourselves enjoy Gods presence, and when we cant see God because we are so occupied worrying about our own sin - it becomes sin in itself.

The Message puts it tis way...

^28-30"The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. The son said, 'Look how many years I've stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!'

^31-32"His father said, 'Son, you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!'"

God (the father in this story) didnt yell at his son. he didnt belittle him for wasting all his money on whores. he didnt point out all the things that his son did wrong. His son came home, broken and truly sorry for what he did, and his father threw him a party! "how awesome that my son is sorry for what he did!"

likewise when we sin, and we come back to God, asking his forgiveness he gives it to us freely! without holding a grudge, without expecting us to go live in the barn with the pigs from now on (even when we feel thats what we deserve) no, He has prepared us the best food, he has planned a party, He missed us. and is so happy that we are back.

^20-21"When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: 'Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son ever again.'

^22-24"But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, 'Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!' And they began to have a wonderful time.

Read the whole story

Misconceptions of Christianity

i recently stumbled across a webpage that had some hilarious quotes from "The Christian Tee" forum. it prompted me to look deeper into it! and i found this post, by a teenage guy struggling with certain issues (most likely pornography) and this is what he said.

"Im not sure what im doing wrong... my music library is almost 90% christian, and i only hang out with Christians. but im STILL having these temptations... and still struggling. what am i doing wrong?"

i didnt like it. first off, he is treating Christianity like a calculator. you put in the right things, press the right button, and out comes positive results. so many Christians think this way!! but the truth is, we are completely incapable of pushing the button. we can try, we can listen to only christian music, we can separate ourselves from temptation, but we are not able to stop sinning. not able to help ourselves. like a ball rolling down a hill, it can be stopped. but it cannot stop itself. it must have an external force stop it.

the second thing i didnt like, was that he assumed hanging out with only Christians is a positive thing. while in reality i think it can be negative! we need to model our friend groups after Christ. have the close few, who we can share our struggles with, cry with, and hold accountable. but diversify - as long as your not being tempted - do what Jesus did. hang out with prostitutes, inmates, drug addicts, murderers, sex offenders, child pornographers and terrorists. the most hated people in society. THEY are who need Christ, not the people who already have Him.

Christianity is so off track. at least Christianity as the world portrays it. and as alot of Christians do too. if tonight, i decide to become a chicken. im not a chicken... i need to research, observe, learn, understand how they live before i can become one, and convince other people to do the same, otherwise im just making myself, and possibly all chickens look like idiots!
Tyler Durden once said "Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!"
equally so, grabbing a bible does not make you a christian.

its a lifestyle, something we need to observe, research, learn and understand. not just decide to try.

God Is Mighty.

Im finaly realizing this! the feeling that "i need to be here, i want to be here, but i cant make myself go there" is fading! im actuly growing in my faith, in my relationship with Christ. FINALY! its becoming a constant mindset, keeping him first and focusing on Him. im a far cry from where i should be, but im so far from where i was just weeks ago - God is using EBC, Malone - Brooke - Brittany and Alise to show me himself, using the internship at church, using my friends.

last week, we didnt get on spiritual topics. hardly ever, and now? since talking with Malone and the girls? i bring it up in conversations! and it fits so well. it feels like all this time has been wasted, when its SO easy to get focused on Christ.

(haha! its shocking how much worship music is on bittorrent.... pirates love God too!)

so God, thank you. thank you for answering my prayers, for showing me you, for getting me back on track, for bringing about the change that i needed! and wanted deep inside. thank you for Tyler and Malone, sharing themselves lastnight/thismorning and being a final push onto course, thank you for taking the time to "waste" being not close to you, and using it to show me what i was missing. God keep me focused on you, im doing great tonight! i even read my bible for the first itme in months, but let this be more than a good week. let this be a new lifestyle! a perminent change father, thank you for taking me through this spiritual valley, and bringing me back out stronger than ever.

mom just called. and wants me to walk over accross the street, so i can walk back with her. and its really annoying me. why? because she called me, and said "hey! i have a favor to ask you...." and then started talking to someone else for a minute, and laughing. and here i am - pissed she interupted my "God Time" hahahha. how weak i am. using this time to focus on God, and reflect, and to let him change me. and then whenever an oportunity to serve pops up, i get angry because its interfering with letting God teach me.
forgive me Father, i am so selfish. so closed minded to what my goals actuly are. God give me a broad perspective of what you want, of what is important.

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Now playing: Chris Tomlin - God Of This City

How could it be any other way?

this song is so perfect!
at first he misses her, and wonders why things went bad




then he realizes that things didnt go bad, they went the right way, and all is good :)

As I walk on down
I feel like a clown
In a circus of my own
Oh my cover is blown
Feel like I got a heart made of tin
I thought of you this morning

Well I sleep into a state
As I awake
Well I start to find
That I can't get your smoke out of my eyes
I guess I lose
I guess you win
I thought of you this morning

Well I think about all the other ways I could've played
All the other simple moves I could've made
All the other cards that I could've dealt
All the books I didn't read upon my shelf
All the other ways I could've sung my songs
I've realized that none of it wen't wrong
It was all play
How could it be any other way?

Now that the chains are off
I'm free to roam
Everywhere I go
I feel like I'm home
Nothing hides
Everything is shown
She is always with me
I'm never alone
I guess you lose
I guess I win
I thought of you this morning

How could it be any other way?
How could it be any other way?
How could it be any other way?
It was all play
How could it be any other way?

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Listening to: Trevor Hall - Other Ways

Back Burner

ohh Taylor. your so confused lately. just when you think you have something figured out, something else comes up. your not going to fulleron this summer, but now other things are driving you mad, other topics confuse you. as soon as your over one, another comes and takes its place. as soon as your ok being single, talking with your neibor, and her obvious intrest floods you with feelings you thought where gone. you LOVE being back at church, working with people, helping out, ministering. but then you realize that your striggling. hard.

my sollace is here, sitting on my patio, with an apple flavored cigar, oversized headphones up all the way, typing out my feelings and thoughts.

this is my vacation.

sometimes i want to just be a different person, i get tired of living with myself, tired of my expressions, my phrases, my way of thinking. my bents, my quirks, my skills and my weaknesses. like a bad roomate, or that feeling when you spend to long with your best friend - you will always love them! but right now you just need to get away.

relient k comes to mind - you know ill always love you, but right now i just dont like you.

what am i doing? God can you change me? nothing spcific, just change me. mix it up, throw in some veriety! im getting bored of myself. maybe this just means im far to self centered that im focusing to much on me. when in reality its not about me, i should be the last person im concerned with! but as usual, thats not the case. as usual im first in my own life. not God, not others. its me again.

Taylor stop! put yourself where you belong. the back burner.

remember your meaning, your purpose, your objective. if something is not furthering the ultimate goal, if something is for selfish gain

you shouldn't be doing it.

God hold me accountable
let me be in the world, but not of this world


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Now playing: Moby - In This World