Losing all hope is freedom.

We where much more than dating. we where completely and utterly in love. not that highschool love, that everyone claims, but no. for real. in love. i honestly could marry this girl, and i planned on it. and so did she. we had the most amazing conversations! about God, philosophy, life, love, family, people, everything! she was truly my best friend who i could tell anything. and i was hers.

we always struggled with keeping God first in our relationship, something everyone deals with. and then she felt God telling her that He needed to be first, not me. and i certainly was first in her life. i on the other hand didnt feel the same way, i felt i was balancing God, and her fine! we took a break, just no phone, no myspace, no eachother - so we could focus on God. at the end of a very long, very hard week, i knew something was up. and that night, she ended our relationship. she broke my heart. completly and utterly. i was a mess for a week, i just got in my car, got on some random freeway and would drive. i would go to the beach and just look at the ocean, where we used to walk and just cry. i was mad! not at her, not at God. but just mad.
her feelings didnt change, and neither did mine. but she knew that in order to keep God first we couldnt be together, and we arent. but we still are.. in love, in a way. nothing changed there, i dont want anyone else, nor does she. i refused to move on for a long time, i looked at her pictures, knowing that somehow, if we where good and proved ourselves to God He would put us back together. but i have had to move on, had to sever the ties.
it was the hardest thing i have ever done.

losing all hope is freedom.

and now? im single. she is single. i dont want anyone else, and i dont think she does.
but God knows best in everything, and if anything, this has made me so much closer to Him. made me realize that its not about me, not about my pleasure on this earth. its about Him, and His glory. and perhaps this time was for Him to show me that i can rely in HIM, and in my hardest times, to always see hope. see that He is there. i have moved on, but i still know i will never have what we had. but its time to move on. its time to continue.
there are often times that hurt so bad, there are times when i cant believe what i had. but there are always times when i remember the memories, and know that they where a gift from God, and being selfish enough to want more? its just selfish.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration

Our War

its long, read it slowly and think about every line.

We as humans are made for conflict resolution, we need a mission, a task. and we don't have one. are we being utilized? a big part of me wants to grab everything that's wrong in our culture, and kick it in the face. i want to start a revolution, become the rebel throwing molotov cocktails at police! but if you think about it, our society is so well defined, its so laid out for us, there is no adventure left, no discovery. did you want to work at Best Buy? did you want to be a banker? a lawyer? when you where a kid. i didn't, i wanted to find a new continent, discover a new people group! Magellan, Einstein, Thomas Edison, Robert Fulton, Columbus - those where my heroes, not Bill Gates, not Brad Pitt. i didn't want to be rich, be famous. i wanted to invent, discover, think, and build. i venture to say many of you are the same way, when you where 5 did you dream of going to high school, dating the quarterback, getting a good grade on your SAT so you could get into Stanford and become the popularsorority ruler, graduate, and marry a beautiful man? NO! and if you did when you where a kid you may need to reevaluate your existence... i dreamed of being a firefighter, nurse, policeman, someone who can help people or change the world! but so many kids these days, that's not what they want, and most other people have changed what they want, they want what other people have. they want the structure, the predefined lifestyle of "school - work - retirement." and somewhere fit in love, family, and God.
do we do anything original? no. we wake up stressing over the exact same stuff as everyone else does. we do the exact same thing all day as everyone else. we sit in traffic - just like everyone else. we see flashing lights in our mirror and panic just like everyone else. we hear gunfire down the street and lock our doors just like everyone else. we keep our music at a reasonable volume just like everyone else, we go to the mall just like everyone else, we take standardized tests just like everyone else, we change ourselves to be just like everyone else. self expression for our generation is wearing different colored socks, or getting tattoos. self expression is changing the world! self expression is painting your house and your car and your dog with hot pink paint. who gave us all these boundary's? all these lines? why is different wrong? being the same is wrong! conforming is wrong! are we that insecure? are we that desperate for meaning that we find it from people just like us? people who are looking for it just like us? we are a star-craving, sick, sad little world. (to quote Incubus) we are blind to the force overtaking us, blind to the blatant attack. national security is in the hands of the trendsetters. we are oblivious to the attack on our generation, and it is way more deadly than any attack that we could see.

a while ago, before this school year started my cousin posted a bulletin on Myspace. it was a warning for all freshman, not to talk to juniors or seniors, and to remember that they where the bottom of the shit-heap. i was disgusted. how can people be so incredibly selfish and rude? treating people horrible because they aren't as old as you? high school is leading the attack against us as a people. and it wont ever stop because when that freshman gets to Sr high, he will do the exact same thing that was done to him. and it will continue.

there is so much more to life than you.

by the time your done with education, you have been shaped, molded, standardized, compared, compartmentalized, divided, assigned, graded into the same autonomous blob as everyone else sorry enough to be subjected to the same treatment, and guess what? you function perfectly to your programming. you work your 9-5, you don't question the pointless laws you follow and defend. you have become a star citizen. you now put down the people that still have the dreams you once did. you make fun of people who broke out of the system, who are even the smallest shred different.
ill be damned if that ever becomes me.
the Matrix is more real than you may think.
wake up Neo




Fight Club:
an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.


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Listening to: Rage Against The Machine - Down Rodeo