Losing all hope is freedom.

We where much more than dating. we where completely and utterly in love. not that highschool love, that everyone claims, but no. for real. in love. i honestly could marry this girl, and i planned on it. and so did she. we had the most amazing conversations! about God, philosophy, life, love, family, people, everything! she was truly my best friend who i could tell anything. and i was hers.

we always struggled with keeping God first in our relationship, something everyone deals with. and then she felt God telling her that He needed to be first, not me. and i certainly was first in her life. i on the other hand didnt feel the same way, i felt i was balancing God, and her fine! we took a break, just no phone, no myspace, no eachother - so we could focus on God. at the end of a very long, very hard week, i knew something was up. and that night, she ended our relationship. she broke my heart. completly and utterly. i was a mess for a week, i just got in my car, got on some random freeway and would drive. i would go to the beach and just look at the ocean, where we used to walk and just cry. i was mad! not at her, not at God. but just mad.
her feelings didnt change, and neither did mine. but she knew that in order to keep God first we couldnt be together, and we arent. but we still are.. in love, in a way. nothing changed there, i dont want anyone else, nor does she. i refused to move on for a long time, i looked at her pictures, knowing that somehow, if we where good and proved ourselves to God He would put us back together. but i have had to move on, had to sever the ties.
it was the hardest thing i have ever done.

losing all hope is freedom.

and now? im single. she is single. i dont want anyone else, and i dont think she does.
but God knows best in everything, and if anything, this has made me so much closer to Him. made me realize that its not about me, not about my pleasure on this earth. its about Him, and His glory. and perhaps this time was for Him to show me that i can rely in HIM, and in my hardest times, to always see hope. see that He is there. i have moved on, but i still know i will never have what we had. but its time to move on. its time to continue.
there are often times that hurt so bad, there are times when i cant believe what i had. but there are always times when i remember the memories, and know that they where a gift from God, and being selfish enough to want more? its just selfish.


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Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - Title and Registration